The Thing About Vampires

Sooo, I’m a missionary. Which means I over-analyze everything. Lucky me right?

Anyway. All of the talk over the past few months about this series of novels called “The Twilight Saga” caught my attention. It was all over Facebook like white on rice. Couldn’t avoid it if I tried.

Right about that time I was looking for something fiction and easy to read. Taking a break from the more dense material I had been reading up til then. So I went out and got the books and dove right in.

Now I pride myself on keeping a finger on the pulse of culture around me. I may not understand the whole ninja vs. pirate battle, but I know it exists. I watch the Office. And Heroes. And Gossip Girl. I’m hip. I “get it” (to quote our President-elect).

But vampires? Much like ninjas and pirates, vampires are beings shrouded in myth and story. Are they real or not? Do they really exist? Are they really immortal? I read the series, I’m going to the movie tonight actually. After taking some time to gather them, here are my overly-analytical thoughts on Twilight.

1. I think the vampire myth is like many myths; tiny grain of truth wrapped up in fantasy and fear.

- The practice of ingesting certain parts of a vanquished foe is known to have occurred throughout antiquity. Eating the heart, drinking the blood, whatever. All completely disgusting. Ewwww. You know, Jehovah, God of the Bible, specifically commanded His followers not to do that. Thank God! So gross.

- Anyway, you have this historical practice done by historical figures who seemed larger than life. Strong, powerful men who were revered and feared by anyone who knew them. And their defining characteristic is that they eat their victims. Ding ding! Vampire. Grain of truth + fear + fantasy = myth.

2. I think there’s a much deeper story that ties ninjas, vampires and pirates together.

- The Bible says that what the enemy meant for evil, God will turn to good. Now don’t get it twisted. Vampires are bad. Ninjas are bad. Pirates are bad. We can romanticize them all day but in the end, they are bad. They do evil things for their own gain. They steal and kill and destroy – ever heard that phrase before? Cause that’s how the devil’s described in the Bible. Interesting. I digress.

- If we are honest though, we know that we are pretty evil too. We sin. We hurt others and we hurt ourselves, all for selfish gain. We stiff-arm God and His goodness all the time. We sin. Maybe this is why stories of good vampires, honorable ninjas and reformed pirates are so appealing to us. Maybe their stories of redemption resonate because they mirror our own stories. Twilight. The Last Samurai. Pirates of the Caribbean. All stories of people with the desire/temptation and capacity to do great evil deciding to deny those impulses and choose what is right and good. Hmmmm. Interesting.

3. I don’t think God is silent in culture. In fact, I think that’s when He is at His very best. The Creator in the midst of His creation’s creativity. Kinda cool.

- I think if you take the time to look and listen, the Gospel of Christ is everywhere. Even in the dark parts of culture, God’s redemptive plan is there in seed form. Not in it’s entirety of course. Like a sign that points to the destination that’s written on it, culture I think can be used by God to point us to His great redemptive story and ultimately to Christ.

- In the case of Twilight we see a group of people who deny their evil impulses and choose instead to do what is right and good. Regardless of what others who share those impulses may choose to do, this group of people will not bow to that temptation. So the life no one thought could be lived is surviving and in fact thriving. We can choose good, we can choose God. It is possible. Regardless of the evil and sin and temptations that are out there, those things do not rule us. We can choose righteousness.

How’s that for the Gospel in culture?

 

The “N” word

I suck at relationships. I am just now, at 28, realizing the depth of my ineptitude when it comes to relationships. This does explain why i’m not married yet. God is clearly sparring my future husband this horrible time of me learning how to have healthy relationships.

The thing is, I don’t appear to suck at relationships. If you met me you would think “Gosh, she is so relational and socially savvy.”

Impressive huh?

Reality: I need friendships. I need relationship desperately. And I don’t like when the relationships I have change. I think every once in a while I cross the line though. I cross into the Land of Needy.

The Land of Needy is annoying when it’s someone you don’t know. The random acquiantance you just met a month ago being needy is annoying.

But what about if it’s your best friend? Is it annoying when your best friend needs you? And what if it is?

Sometimes I think we (yeah, you too) shy away from “needing” anyone because it makes us very vulnerable. The thing is we do need each other sometimes.

Kids need their parents. Parents even need their children. People need leaders. Leaders need the people they lead too.

It’s reciprocal; this neediness. We need each other. Not “like” or “appreciate” or “tolerate” or “enjoy.” We NEED each other. At some point, any relationship that lasts long enough crosses over a threshold of sorts and you start to need each other.

You become a vital part of each others lives.

I get that it’s not cool to say and it even harder to live it out (seriously, I get it) but I will no longer be ashamed of needing those people God has placed in my life for exactly that purpose.

That’s right, when it comes to my best friends – I’M NEEDY. And hopefully you can be needy with me too.

 

To Do List for Nov 13

- Write a really serious, difficult business letter

- Ask kindly for more email space

- Host a meeting where everyone gets to tell me what I did wrong (awesome)

- Read something I want to read

- Finish my stinkin’ newsletter!

- Hopefully have a second cup of coffee

- Send Google a thank you note for creating all those fun toys, I mean, productivity tools

In other news:

Still haven’t opened that door to the past quite yet. I’m working on in. No, seriously. I am. It’s just a really heavy door. Give me a minute.

I am however remembering my God and His infinite goodness. Which is nice.

 

Those Moments

I don’t even know what’s going on right now.

My past – 20 years removed – is knocking on my door and I don’t know whether to answer or not.

You ever have those moments in life when you realize the magnitude of the choices in front of you? Not that you know the full ramifications of your decision, but you recognize how important the decision is.

I’m so there. I’m at that moment.

Either I let the past back into my life or I tip-toe away from the door like when a solicitor comes calling.

Holy cow.

Part of me just wants to tip-toe away. My curiosity is pushing my hand toward the door knob.

Dang it.

 

Having an Economic Cow

So the whole world seems to be an economic cow right now.

In honor of the mass hysteria, I’ve decided to give everyone a little economics lesson. A friend of mine sent this over to me today and I just had to share.

“21 Economic Models Explained with Cows”

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away …

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy …

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

An Ecumenical Delimma

What do you do when the church meeting you normally attend is no longer meeting you?

What do you do when you realize you only kept going out of a sense of duty, as an act of service? To be a body in the pews when so many of your friends have long since left those pews? Because you don’t want the people you go to church with to see more empty pews and be disappointed?

Because you feel like you should put yourself to the side to help stop the hemoraging?

What do you do then?

I don’t remember the last time I felt peaceful at church.

I don’t remember the last time I left church without the feeling of having done my duty, my “reasonable act of service” for the week.

Not because I ever felt like God was asking such things of me.

But because I felt that my church family, my church leaders where. As a minister, as a missionary, I had to set a standard, regardless of my own spiritual needs at the time.

Now people are trying to make it better.

So why do I feel like I’m beyond help now?

What do I do now?

 

Hump Day

The school year has started back up, which means my already full scheduled has just exploded. Event vomit everywhere.

It’s disgusting. I can’t even look at it anymore.

I do have to admit though, using different colors for the different type of events does bring a little happy to the calendar boxes.

Yes, in response to your unspoken question, I still write out my schedule on a real calendar with real little boxes on it in real pen. That’s right, pen. I schedule in pen. Take that you flaky people.

Gosh, I’m feeling a tad uppity today. I should calm down.

…..

Ok, that’s better. Breathing helps.

In other news, I just found out that I’m not officially commissioned to minister the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And I’m not all that broken up about it. It’s all paperwork anyway. I mean, I’ve been doing this ministry thing for five years now…apparently un-commissioned. I feel like such a rebel.

Also in other news, the scientific community celebrated a rare moment. They turned something on.

<giggle>

What I meant to say is, after forking over $10 billion – yes, that is with a “b” – a group of scientists in neutral French Switzerland unveiled a “Big Bang Machine” apparently capable of duplicating the circumstances that lead to our glorious universe’s existence.

I’ll be interested to what happens when they actually run the experiment the first time. Will they create a mico-verse? Will they become gods of their own making?

Geez.

Ten billion dollars. To figure out if the Bible is right.

I say again, geez.

$10 billion =

• For starters, it’s the GDP of Bolivia. That’s right, the entire county gets the year off. Starting now.
• If you were Uncle Scrooge, you could buy 469 tons of gold. Maybe less if you needed to build the vault to hold it all.
• Ten billion is also enough to fully support 395,000 inmates for a year in federal prison. Say, for example, child predators.
• Facebook.
• If you were feeling philanthropic, you could buy 1,000,000,000 mosquito nets and teach people what to do with them. I’m not sure, but I think that pretty much covers everyone in Africa. Malaria? What’s that?

Ridiculous.

 

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you…

….without a dope beat to step to, step, step to.

Anyone remember that one? Great song. Back when it wasn’t all about pimps and b****es and rubber bands and stacks and such. When music was about having fun and expressing something in a way that makes it beautiful. I know, hard to picture such a thing.

The point of all that being, it’s been entirely too long since my last post . I’ve been trying to figure out the method of blogging that fits my life and honestly, I’m starting to think it doesn’t exist. So, until something radically new and actually useful pops up on the internet, this is now my default.

Lucky you

 

Letting Go and Holding On

Right now I’m in a difficult spot. I want to work through this. Find a way to make everything fit together right, like a giant puzzle. I feel as though if I just push and pull and mold and shape enough it’ll all come together. See, the situation, it just needs a little bit of tinkering; a little bit of focused attention and reshaping and it’ll be grand!

(this is what I tell myself)

When I was little my dad used to take my flying with him. I would strap into the co-pilot seat and scoot all the way forward and grab on to the yoke. Then we would take off and it was amazing! Once we got to a cruising altitude he would “let me drive.”

Now, before you go calling my dad every irresponsible name in the book, know without a shadow of a doubt that he was in control the whole time. Never, at any point, did I ever actually have sole control of the plane. Ok, with that settled, on with my story.

So I would take the yoke and push and pull and twist and turn and trying to make the plane do all of the things I imagined in my little head. Of course, it never worked. It didn’t matter how much I worked…

See…I wasn’t the pilot. I wasn’t the one calling the shots. I didn’t really know how things worked. I knew the cause and effect but I didn’t know the “how” or the “why.” Those are the most important things to know too. Without those two, everything else is just hot air and mechanics.

Eventually I would get frustrated and tell my dad to do it. He would take the yoke and make the plane bank and climb and we would have a thrilling, spectacular ride.

All because I finally just let go and held on.

Right now, I need to figure out how to let go and just hold on. Stop trying to force a situation to match what’s in my imagination. Just get my hands out of the way and hold on for the ride of a lifetime.

 

Foolish Assumptions of Youth

You hear these stories growing up. Stories of children constantly at odds with their parents. Stories of divided families and children left to themselves in the world.

You think to yourself, “What selfish people! Selfish children, to not fight hell and high-water for their relationship with their parents! Selfish parents, to not press through any difficulty to reach their children.”

But you never think that you might be in that story one day. That one day you might become the selfish child, selfish parent. That one day, a disagreement so cavernous may develop, over which and around which you just cannot pass. Never!! Surely not.

Of course, who are you to know the future? Who are you to assume that relationships will always be pristine?

Because things happen. Decisions are made. Lives change.